The problem with me is that I have this terrible habit of not being able to just live in the moment. I am always on to the next thing. So this weekend, in a moment of midnight restlessness (still am not used to Stef being away) I decided to figure out how long it would take to pay our mortgage, how much interest we would be paying through out the years and what we would want to have in order to retire. How do people live with SO much debt?

It's mind boggling that this is an experience that we all have to go through at some point. But seriously, the reassurance that almost everyone else is in the same boat is not very comforting at all. If anything, it's put off my shopping mojo.

I am off to drown my sorrows with some wine and cold shrimp rolls...

I did call her to explain to her why I did what I did.

I said,"What if I want to swear on it? And I know how you feel about that stuff"

Mama Kang,"Well, you shouldn't swear anyway. That's not how I raised you."

"Yes, I understand. That's why I don't want you on because I want to feel like I can swear if I want to, without you telling me I shouldn't"

"But you just shouldn't do it. It's not a pretty thing to do."

Big sigh!

"Mum! Swearing is who I am. I am a champion swearer. You should just accept me for me."

"I do, I just don't think you should swear."

See what I mean?

In the end, she was fine with it. Plus it's not like I could see her "twits" anyway. She had me blocked!

You see, Stefan has left me.

And I am utterly forlorn without him. It's quite pathetic really. I've always considered myself a strong, confident, independent woman fully capable of being alone and not feel bereft. Turns out I was wrong. I haven't been sleeping well, I am eating all the wrong things, my face is breaking out like I've just turned thirteen (although I don't think I ever had any as a teenager), I have been drinking, having dinner with girlfriends and dropping C-bombs in public places.

It's this being married thing. It changes how you think much more than I ever gave it credit for. You expect the person you married to be around.

But, no he's off...gallivanting halfway across the world playing footy. Yes, it's another International Cup and once again, he's left me to fend for myself and Mindy.

So as usual, I've come to realize how fundamental he is in my life. I rolled off the bed the second night he was gone, there was no usual barrier, you see. I can never find the things I need, I have to do the majority of the pre-cleaning before the cleaning lady comes...

The truth is, it was harder for me to let him go this time around. I don't know why. Perhaps because he's said that this will be his last international tournament and I am not there to see him play (although now that he's there, he's rethinking this idea), perhaps it's because this is the first year that he's actually gotten injured in the sport. The thing is I just MISS him. I miss talking to my best friend about whatever comes to mind, I miss our day to day banter, I miss lying next to him in bed.

And it doesn't seem fair that after the tournament that he's going to travel in New Zealand for a week. We had actually planned to get married in NZ the last tournament. That should be some rule about spouses traveling to places on the "list" without the other person in tow.

My only consolation is that Mindy is particularly enraged at his abandonment this time around and has proceeded to poop on every available item of Stefan's. She will hold her poop for a couple of days until I take something out of his (I'm packing) just to poop on it. All I can say is that there really is justice in this world and it's called Mindy's poop!

You turned two this week. I missed calling you, I know, Godmama is bad sometimes like that. Please know though that you are never far from my mind. If you look under my categories "Lurves", you can see that you make up for most of that category.

Two years ago you were born.

I cannot imagine my life without you. You are so far away, but I still cherish every accomplishment you make. Every smile, every new word, every new act, every weird smile, I think of you in awe, how lucky I am to have been named as one of your godparents. What did I ever do to deserve that honour? Your mama's kindness plays a big part in it. God knows, I wouldn't pick me as a godmother.

You visited me this summer. You are such a big girl now, not the little baby you used to be. You have a personality of your own. You are funny, stubborn, sarcastic, acerbic, full of joy and laughter. You are charming and delightful. I can hardly believe you exist in my world. You're so funny in your possessiveness of your mama. When Jenna and I teased you how your mama used to belong to us before you were born, you stubbornly held on to her and declared her "mine!". Uncle Stefan (aka "Uncle Maow Maow") still repeats all the funny things you say.

At such a young age, you already show such exemplary taste. We took you to Holt Renfrew, and you said "Nuh-uh!" to every lower end shoe line that I was trying. For you, only Guccis, Manolos and Louboutins received your seal of approval. What can I say? I like your style. I just like you.

I cannot say that I will be the best godmother. I will always be impractical. After all, you have an ongoing "Paris" fund from me. You won't ever be able to ever come to me for "motherly" advice (Thank goodness you have the best mother ever!) but you can always count on me to be there. I will be the godmother who takes you shopping for your first non-practical bra, a first visit to the ballet, a shoe shopping trip in Paris. At the end of the day, if you don't want to ever do any of these things, I will be happy just to have you in my life.

I love you, baby girl..

Love,

Aunty Karen

Meet Jill.

Jill is a friend of mine. Actually, we're probably each other's closest friend in the city. So needless to say, we tend to hang out on occasion. We do all the things girls like to do together such as going shopping, having cocktails and every so often we cook for each other. And on very, very few occasions, Jill tries to kill me.

Last fall, there was a very bad incident with some dodgy salmon that she had thawed out for too long, which resulted in me barfing my brains out ALL NIGHT. She, with the stomach of steel, just happened to have bad gas all day.

But, you know as friends, you tend to forgive and forget these things. That is, until the incident nearly repeated itself yesterday.

Jill: So, is fish ok?

Karen: Sure, whatever is good.

Pregnant pause.

Jill: I think the fish is still good.

Karen: What do you mean? (am instantly suspicious at this point)

Jill: It's been thawing for awhile.

Karen: How long?

Jill: Mmmmm...since Sunday. So it should be ok...what day is it today?

Karen: Wednesday and it's not ok. We're going grocery shopping after class.

Before class.

Jill: Honey, are you sure the fish isn't ok? How long can fish thaw out for anyway?

Karen: You're supposed to do it overnight and that's it.

Jill: Mmm....

Karen: Dude, if we eat that fish you'll be fine but I will be dead.

Laughter ensues.

Shortly after class, Jill is putting her groceries away and she finds the way too thawed out fish and shows it to me.

Jill: Honey, it really looks fine to me...

We didn't end up eating it, but I wonder whether I've given her any reason lately for wanting to do off with me...

What can I say? Underneath my propensity to be honest and open about everything in my life, I also tend to be quite secretive about certain things about my life with Stefan. He's a fairly private person so the things that are really important or big to us, we tend to keep close until we're ready.

I don't know why it's such a huge shock to everyone. Surely, no one would seriously think Mr. Very Responsible With His Money would let us rent forever. We were simply waiting for the right time to do it.

We had discussed buying in the Fall but thought to start looking just to see what was out there. Let me tell you, for all they are saying about the real estate bust down south, it simply is not really happening in Toronto. The real estate market here is as crazy as ever. But we found something that fit, so it seemed prudent to jump on the opportunity while we could.

We're moving to the east side of the city. The thought of this has been such a sticking point for me while we were looking. After all, both of us had either lived or worked in the West Queen West area for about 12 years of our lives. You know how it is...when you become acclimatized to your life in your neighbourhood, it's so hard to fathom starting a new routine? Where would I go to get my Parisian style croissants at 8 am in the morning? How could I move so far from the Japanese Paper Place (my all time favourite store)/Type Books/Chippys? How could we move so far from our friends?

But then I realized Leslieville has a lot of its own charm as well. Lots of great independent shops, design stores, and restaurants. In fact, it very much reminds me of how West Queen West used to be about 8 years ago. At the end of the day, we also would get more house for our money. It also helped that Erin, a girlfriend called shortly after hearing the news, screaming in my ear that we will now only live a mere 15 minutes away from each other and Che (a former roomate of Stef's who pretends to hate him...and him and I get along really well) sent an email saying that we can finally rekindle our love as he also lives a couple of streets away. I realize that it's all going to be okay after all.

Here I am in all my geeky glory.

I have to say, I've never mastered posing for the camera. I am so serious here...

I really like my new glasses. They're quite a departure from my last pair as they are quite a bit bigger in size. As I recall, Mama Kang's first reaction was,"Ai ya! Why so big?" I like them because I can't see the frame as much. And I feel like they have more personality. I've always been envious of people who rock glasses with personality. So I decided to stop envying and start trying. Also, the store we went to was conscious of the Asian glass dilemma (most Asian noses don't have bridges so glasses tend to sit funny and cause these weird lines on your cheeks from the glass resting on it) and measured them properly to fit my face.

My only problem was the price. I've never understood why pieces of plastic can cost so much. I'm going to start designing very cool glasses and make my fortune there. That is, right after I start doing all those other random things I've been planning to do with my life.

I know this is SO typical of me. This nasty piece of business happened about a couple of weeks ago. I had been having some issues with my contact lenses and someone recommended changing to the contact lens cleaner that required overnight soaking. Supposedly the all purpose brands don't clean as well as they should. It also so happens that the overnight brand happens to have hydrogen peroxide and needs time for the solution to be neutralized.

On this unfortunate morning, I was very tired and instead of grabbing my usual saline solution, I grabbed the Clear Care bottle instead (why do they make them all the same shape?), squirted some solution in my contact and popped it in my eye. To be fair, the Clear Care bottle had a red top but really, it was early and I am partially blind.

The pain was literally mind numbing and I had moments of panic because my eye was stinging so much that I could not open it to take the offending contact out. I went to work later on and had to say."No, I don't have pink eye" and "No, I am not winking at you either."

I woke up the next day after the incident and my eye was completedly glued down by a very solid line of hardened pus. (This picture was actually taken 2 days after the incident. My eye was very, very red the first day)I went to the eye doctor the next day and he was so chirpy when he declared,"Yup! You did burn your cornea a little but the good news is you'll never make that mistake AGAIN!" Gee, thanks for your sympathy!

It also turns out that my prescription has taken a turn for the worse. The good news is that I got a new pair of super cute glasses. At least I think they'll look super cute once they've been adjusted a bit more.

But seriously, I'm a little concerned about mine. Ass, I mean. About how it has seemed to have exponentially grown this past summer. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why. I mean it's the summer and I tend to eat less since it's so hot. Since I bought Emmaline, I've been biking everywhere, I even go to a trampoline class every Monday, which is more sweating that I ever really want to do. What with my hyperhydrosis of my face and all (more on this later).

Then I figured it out. Our team has a snack fund and every other week, we all contribute $5 to the general pile to buy snacks. I am not naturally a snack girl. You won't ever find cookies or chips in my cupboards at home. I'm not against them, I just grew up not really having them and so I never really acquired a taste for them. BUT, put any kind of food in front of me, and I will just eat it. There is just a never ending amount of chocolate, cookies, gummy bears within reach right now. Tomorrow, I will ask for fruit to be added to the snack request. Today, I'm decapitating an orange gummy bear with my teeth.

Why? Because I can.

I realize that the Ascot has a deep tradition where the fashion is just as important as the racing. But I would be interested to know when it became a trend for odd headgear to be displayed in public.

Perhaps it's a cultural thing that we just don't get. But to refer to some of these debacles as hats is what makes it all the more ridiculous. This particular one made us laugh so hard. It's not just the fact that her "hat" is somewhat silly but her expression of "This old thing? It was just hanging around in my closet" is what really takes the cake...

View image

So far, she has been quicker to accept me this time around, already letting me hold her hand and read her books. I love that she still loves reading as that is my favourite type of gift to get her. She hasn't been too sure of Stefan yet. I guess it did not help that we all pretended to scream in horror when he walked through the door. We forget that a nearly two year old doesn't understand sarcasm yet...

Of course, the first thing on my mind is not that I fell, scraped my knee and bruised my thigh. My first thought were the very fabulous boots I had on, bought at the end of the season. What can I say? I am lucky to be blessed with small feet that I can wait to the very end of season sales. I always seem to score. I got these great vintage style boots for $225 marked down from $750. That, of course was my most foremost thought after crashing. Was whether the boots survived the fall. (They did).

Yes, I really am that superficial.

My second thought was that, I haven't had a knee scab or such a doozy of a bruise since high school years of playing field hockey. And how much I am looking forward to picking it.

Yes, I really am that gross.

I obviously have issues I need to work on.

And so here I am, finding my way.

I was in New York this past month attending the ICFF. I don't know what it is but I just love going to exhibition shows. There's a certain energy and buzz about attending ones that have interesting products and ideas that you just can't get from reading a magazine or blog. It also has to do with being in NY itself.

I always love looking at student work. There is something about watching new emerging talent that is so invigorating and inspiring. The theme of chairs was very prominent and I really loved these glass jars. When I was there, the professor mentioned that there were quite a number of retailers interested in them. I really hope they go into production.

View image

There was also a small section of artisan, designer-makers from the UK that really got to me. I really wish that I took more pictures at this section but here are these wall mounted hands and this hand sewn wallpaper really caught my eye.

Another amazing perk to my job is that I've gotten to meet really incredible people. To the average person, some of these names may not mean anything to them but in the design world, they're really superstars (in my mind anyway). In the past six months, I've had the privilege to meet Tom Dixon, Marcel Wanders (who is larger than life -- literally -- the man is almost 7 ft tall), Yves Behar and Jasper Morrison. For a burgeoning design junkie, I cannot tell you how unbelievably surreal it has been to meet these amazingly talented people; all of whose work, I greatly admire. I saved my favourite meeting for last. I finally got to meet Grace of Design*Sponge in person! She is so cute and really lovely in person. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love reading that blog so to me, it was one of the highlights of my trip!